Last Monday we had Addison's 9 month appointment. She weighed 17 lbs 13 oz and was 28 1/2 inches long. She has dropped in to about the 34th percentile for weight from about the 50th, and the doctor seemed a little concerned, but I'm not. Raegan followed the same curve and she is just a skinny little mini. That's all there is to it. I'm not sure why doctors act like dropping in the percentiles is cause for concern. I mean, in the past 3 months she has gone from being pretty much sedentary to mobile. Obviously she is going to start slimming up. Everything else went well at her appointment.
She started crawling this past Saturday. She has been scooching around pretty well for a while now, and now she finally has mastered the crawling. She still seems to like to scooch a lot, though. I also started her on finger foods. Since I made my own baby food, I didn't bring my frozen cubes with me from Arizona. And instead of going through all that work of making tons of batches of pureed food, I decided to try and start incoporating pieces of food in to her diet, and just bought a few Gerber meals for the time being. As soon as she started eating the finger foods, she was totally over the pureed. The only problem is, she still hasn't shown interest in putting them in her mouth herself. That really stinks because she loves food, so I have to sit there and feed her the pieces one by one. It takes forever with as much as she eats. At least she is a good eater, though, and I know she will eventually get in to feeding herself. She just hasn't ever been a baby that really sticks things in her mouth. Good in most instances I guess.
Other things going on with her this month...
-She still will not take a bottle or pacifier...and never has. She did drink water from a sippy cup the other day, but my mom was holding it for her. She also probably got a bunch of it down her shirt instead of actually in her mouth.
-Having horrible issues sleeping. She was such a good sleeper as a newborn, and now she is having such a rough time sleeping. She wakes up multiple times a night, and sometimes has a hard time going back to sleep. I'm so exhausted all of the time. I'm sure it has something to do with me nursing her to sleep, but I honestly try and keep her awake and she still falls asleep nursing. Even on the nights I put her in bed awake, she still wakes up needing me.
-Extreme stranger anxiety. Since I have never really left her in a daycare setting, now that I want to put her in a gym daycare or church nursery, she screams and screams. I hoping with repitition and short intervals of being without me, we can work through this. I'm pretty sure she will never quite be the baby that just takes off and never looks back, like Raegan.
-Loves clapping. I love to say "Yay!' to her. She gets so happy and just claps so much.
-Still only says "mama" and "dada", but she is starting to form more syllables.
-Still only has her bottome 2 teeth, which I find kind of strange because she was an early teether with the first two. She has been gnawing on her fingers like crazy, though, so I'm sure it won't be much longer before we see some top ones coming through.
I just love her to pieces. Even with all of the sleepless nights, she just lights up my day. What a blessing she is to us.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Things I have learned about being a parent the second time around...
1.) Pretty much whatever you learned with the first kid, throw it out the window and start over, because each kid is sooo different.
2.) So many generalizations I made with the first one, I am now eating my words about. For instance, when friends asked how I got Raegan to sleep through the night because their babies wouldn't, I would tell them they should let their kids cry it out. And when they would tell me that their kids weren't "cry it out" kids, I was very skeptical. Now I have one of those kids myself. Addison is not a "cry it out" kid. She will lay in her bed and scream and scream and never soothe herself back to sleep. So, friends, I now feel your pain.
3.) Breastfeeding is sooo hard. Raegan would not breast feed, she only wanted to take a bottle, and after pumping for a few weeks, I was done with that nonsense and just gave her formula. Addison is a breastfed baby and she will only breastfeed...aaah! She will not take a bottle. She is nine months old and she has never taken a bottle, sippy cup, or pacifier. That means I am pretty much SOL when it comes to someone else taking care of her for more than a couple of hours or to go to sleep. I really miss the freedom of a bottle.
4.) Your mommy brain gets even worse. I am so distracted all of the time with two children, I am constantly setting things down while chasing down a 3 year old or going to pick up my baby, and then I can't ever remember where I left it. Keys are the worst. Justin is constantly asking me, "You used to have such a good memory, what happened to it?" I answer..."kids."
5.) Wine does not solve all of your problems. This is because you do not have enough time to sit down and drink it. It used to solve them all before when you might have a few moments to enjoy a glass.
6.) When one child sleeps, the other will not. I think I had a very narrow window right after Addison was born, when she was sleeping all the time that I got to rest some and possibly even take a nap if Raegan was napping. Now, their nap schedules are different from each other, so it is very difficult to catch a few minutes during the day to myself. Then at night, it seems like, once Raegan finally stays in her bed and doesn't come out with excuses anymore, she has been so disruptive, that she wakes Addison up.
7.) How do women do it? Run errands with multiple kids that is. Until we moved to Texas two weeks ago, I had Raegan in school twice a week, and so I took those days to run my errands without her. Now I am getting a dose of reality and have to take them both grocery shopping and every other necessary errand. It is so exhausting. I'm ready to pull my hair out by the end of it all.
8.) They say it would happen, and I didn't believe them...I do not take as many pictures of my second child as I did the first. I truly believe it is more due to our circumstances than Addison just being the second child. We have had a lot of upheaval in our lives lately and I have just been so busy with other things. I didn't even get a picture of Addison's first Valentine's Day. I even have an outfit that Mimi bought her, so I guess I probably should take a picture of her in it. Things have just been so crazy. I promise I will get better about it.
9.) You can love the second just as strongly as the first.
10.) I always thought the second child would be more independent than the first because you had two to care for. Wrong, Addison is such a momma's girl. Even more so than Raegan was. She has not gone to other people easily from the beginning. Even Justin had a hard time breaking down her walls. And she can be satisfied for a short time playing by herself, if I am very close to her, and then she wants me again.
11.) There is never a good age when the first child is ready for a sibling to enter their lives. I know friends with children separated at all different ages. Anywhere from only being a year apart, to being 13 years apart, possibly even more. It is always difficult to have a second child interrupt the only child dynamic. It seems if you have them really close together, you still have two babies on your hands. They are both very needy and neither can do a whole lot for themselves. It is a ton of work when they are very young. If your child is older, they have become more independent, consequently, you have found more independence. You now have to start all over again. Sleepless nights, diaper changes, potty training, etc. And then there is the time frame I choose...2 1/2 years apart. Seemingly a good age gap. Not too close where they are both babies, but not too far where it has gotten easier with the older one. But then, you have an infant and a toddler all at the same time. Dum, dum, dum! Oh the terrible twos, and the even more excrutiating threes. So who is to say when the right time to add another kid is? I'm pretty sure there never is a right time.
12.) On that same note, you can plan to have another kid, and even actively try to have that kid, and then when the pregnancy stick shows up postive, you think, "Oh crap, I'm going to have another baby. Am I really ready for another one?" Well, ready or not, here they come. Why is that?
13.) All the things first time moms just had to register for with the first kid never even see the light of day with the second child. ie- wipe warmer.
14.) Sibling rivalry starts way younger than you would think. So here I am thinking, once Addison really gets mobile and in to toys, probably about the time she is walking, the girls will start playing well with each other, but also probably squabble over things at the same time. Well, I'm pretty sure the early stages of the rivalry started about, oh, the day Addison was born. HaHa. And then about the time Addison was grabbing at things, Raegan was already complaining how Addison stole her baby doll, etc. And then today, when Addison was getting her 9 month pictures taken, Raegan was so upset because she wanted to take pictures also, that I finally let her take a couple. Talk about diva!
15.) Having one makes you think, "I would really like another one." Having two makes you think, "Do I really want another one?" And you are just crazy enough, and they are just wonderful enough to do it again. =)
2.) So many generalizations I made with the first one, I am now eating my words about. For instance, when friends asked how I got Raegan to sleep through the night because their babies wouldn't, I would tell them they should let their kids cry it out. And when they would tell me that their kids weren't "cry it out" kids, I was very skeptical. Now I have one of those kids myself. Addison is not a "cry it out" kid. She will lay in her bed and scream and scream and never soothe herself back to sleep. So, friends, I now feel your pain.
3.) Breastfeeding is sooo hard. Raegan would not breast feed, she only wanted to take a bottle, and after pumping for a few weeks, I was done with that nonsense and just gave her formula. Addison is a breastfed baby and she will only breastfeed...aaah! She will not take a bottle. She is nine months old and she has never taken a bottle, sippy cup, or pacifier. That means I am pretty much SOL when it comes to someone else taking care of her for more than a couple of hours or to go to sleep. I really miss the freedom of a bottle.
4.) Your mommy brain gets even worse. I am so distracted all of the time with two children, I am constantly setting things down while chasing down a 3 year old or going to pick up my baby, and then I can't ever remember where I left it. Keys are the worst. Justin is constantly asking me, "You used to have such a good memory, what happened to it?" I answer..."kids."
5.) Wine does not solve all of your problems. This is because you do not have enough time to sit down and drink it. It used to solve them all before when you might have a few moments to enjoy a glass.
6.) When one child sleeps, the other will not. I think I had a very narrow window right after Addison was born, when she was sleeping all the time that I got to rest some and possibly even take a nap if Raegan was napping. Now, their nap schedules are different from each other, so it is very difficult to catch a few minutes during the day to myself. Then at night, it seems like, once Raegan finally stays in her bed and doesn't come out with excuses anymore, she has been so disruptive, that she wakes Addison up.
7.) How do women do it? Run errands with multiple kids that is. Until we moved to Texas two weeks ago, I had Raegan in school twice a week, and so I took those days to run my errands without her. Now I am getting a dose of reality and have to take them both grocery shopping and every other necessary errand. It is so exhausting. I'm ready to pull my hair out by the end of it all.
8.) They say it would happen, and I didn't believe them...I do not take as many pictures of my second child as I did the first. I truly believe it is more due to our circumstances than Addison just being the second child. We have had a lot of upheaval in our lives lately and I have just been so busy with other things. I didn't even get a picture of Addison's first Valentine's Day. I even have an outfit that Mimi bought her, so I guess I probably should take a picture of her in it. Things have just been so crazy. I promise I will get better about it.
9.) You can love the second just as strongly as the first.
10.) I always thought the second child would be more independent than the first because you had two to care for. Wrong, Addison is such a momma's girl. Even more so than Raegan was. She has not gone to other people easily from the beginning. Even Justin had a hard time breaking down her walls. And she can be satisfied for a short time playing by herself, if I am very close to her, and then she wants me again.
11.) There is never a good age when the first child is ready for a sibling to enter their lives. I know friends with children separated at all different ages. Anywhere from only being a year apart, to being 13 years apart, possibly even more. It is always difficult to have a second child interrupt the only child dynamic. It seems if you have them really close together, you still have two babies on your hands. They are both very needy and neither can do a whole lot for themselves. It is a ton of work when they are very young. If your child is older, they have become more independent, consequently, you have found more independence. You now have to start all over again. Sleepless nights, diaper changes, potty training, etc. And then there is the time frame I choose...2 1/2 years apart. Seemingly a good age gap. Not too close where they are both babies, but not too far where it has gotten easier with the older one. But then, you have an infant and a toddler all at the same time. Dum, dum, dum! Oh the terrible twos, and the even more excrutiating threes. So who is to say when the right time to add another kid is? I'm pretty sure there never is a right time.
12.) On that same note, you can plan to have another kid, and even actively try to have that kid, and then when the pregnancy stick shows up postive, you think, "Oh crap, I'm going to have another baby. Am I really ready for another one?" Well, ready or not, here they come. Why is that?
13.) All the things first time moms just had to register for with the first kid never even see the light of day with the second child. ie- wipe warmer.
14.) Sibling rivalry starts way younger than you would think. So here I am thinking, once Addison really gets mobile and in to toys, probably about the time she is walking, the girls will start playing well with each other, but also probably squabble over things at the same time. Well, I'm pretty sure the early stages of the rivalry started about, oh, the day Addison was born. HaHa. And then about the time Addison was grabbing at things, Raegan was already complaining how Addison stole her baby doll, etc. And then today, when Addison was getting her 9 month pictures taken, Raegan was so upset because she wanted to take pictures also, that I finally let her take a couple. Talk about diva!
15.) Having one makes you think, "I would really like another one." Having two makes you think, "Do I really want another one?" And you are just crazy enough, and they are just wonderful enough to do it again. =)
Long Time, No Blog
Sorry it has been a while since I have blogged. Since my last blog, the movers came and dropped off our household goods. That night we still stayed at my parents house, but starting the next day, we moved in to the house for good to live, among all of the chaos. Ever since then, I have been fervishly trying to get the boxes unpacked and the house put together. It hasn't been easy doing it alone with 2 small children, but it drives me crazy to live with boxes sitting around everywhere. I was quite impressed with myself, though. In 4 days I was able to put together the kitchen, living room, playroom (aka dining room), 4 bedrooms, and 3 1/2 bathrooms. All I have left to do is the loft, garage, and hang things on the walls. I probably won't unpack too much stuff in the garage. I just need to organize it so that there is floor space available and a place to park the car.
We didn't have cable and internet installed until Thursday this week. I was going bananas without internet. I could definitely live without cable, but internet is another story. We were going to my parents house everyday to use the internet so that we could Skype with Justin. But, we are in the house now, we have internet, and we are slowly getting in to a new routine. We have met quite a few of our new neighbors, and there are a lot of kids for Raegan to play with. Our house is on a cul-de-sac, so the kids have the run of the street and the parents just sit outside and chat. It's really a nice set-up.
We didn't have cable and internet installed until Thursday this week. I was going bananas without internet. I could definitely live without cable, but internet is another story. We were going to my parents house everyday to use the internet so that we could Skype with Justin. But, we are in the house now, we have internet, and we are slowly getting in to a new routine. We have met quite a few of our new neighbors, and there are a lot of kids for Raegan to play with. Our house is on a cul-de-sac, so the kids have the run of the street and the parents just sit outside and chat. It's really a nice set-up.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
It's Here!
Our stuff that is. The truck delivered it today. Luckily the weather warmed up just in time and it went pretty smoothly. My dad and I made good progress onthe kitchen today. Unfortunately we started unpacking the box with wine glasses, which prompted us to hunt for the box with wine, which pretty much put an end to our unpacking. =) Oh well, Rome wasn't built in a day, right?
Bundled Bear
My poor sweet thing has to be all bundled up like a little bear because it has been so cold here in Houston. Her wardrobe was definitely not prepared for Houston weather. The poor girl is wearing a size six month bunting outfit since she has no coats and very few warm clothing.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Sneaky Peek
Here is a little glimpse in to what our new house looks like. This will have to hold you over until I can get pictures of the rest of the house taken. Don't expect that any time soon. =)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Give me back Phoenix weather!
Ugh, this weather in Texas stinks! All I want to do is hibernate. 20 degree temps? Are you kidding me. We picked a great time to move from sunny, 60 and 70 degree temps didn't we?
News from Korea
I haven't heard from Justin since Saturday evening when he had a 12 hour lay-over in Seattle and I went to bed. By the time I woke up, he was somewhere on a plane over the Pacific. Since he arrived in Korea, he has been working on trying to get internet. Every morning when I wake up I check my computer to see if he is on. I've received some e-mails from him, but with a 15 hour time difference and the fact that he has only been to get a few minutes of internet time, our schedules have never matched up. Well, imagine my excitement when I woke up this morning and signed on to the computer and saw that he was logged on to Skype. I immediately tried to video chat with him, but both of my attempts went unanswered. I was a little bummed. After all, he was probably asleep already, it was about 8:15 his time. So I proceeded to log on to my e-mail to see if he had sent me anymore, and then I started receiving a request to chat from him. Yay! Apparently he left his computer up in case I tried to chat, and he heard it and woke up. I would say I feel bad that I woke him up, but I really don't. I was just so thrilled to talk to him.
He's doing really well. He got in Monday afternoon Korea time, so Sunday evening our time and ever since then he has been in-processing and doing all the fun stuff of moving to a new place...buying groceries, cleaning his room, getting all of his new squadron "gear". He is living in what is commonly referred to as the "punk" dorms. It is where all of the new wingman live. It is typically a bunch of lieutenants, but since he is a FAIP, he is also a wingman and preffered to live there as opposed to the "fossil" dorms. The dorm is about the size of his dorm room in college, except that he has a full size bed, his own bathroom, and a kitchenette. From what I have heard, the dorms can also feel a bit like college as well with late night partying and people in and out of your room all the time. Oh boy! I'm curious how Justin is going to like that. I think he will find it to be fun for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but I think after having your own home and family, it may get old after awhile. We'll see. I am just speaking from my point of view. =)
Other than that, he's just busy getting introduced to his new squadron, the Juvats. He should be in the full swing of his new job starting next week. He will be traveling to Alaska with the squadron in April for Red Flag. Too bad Alaska isn't closer. It stinks knowing he will be back in this country, but still so stinkin' far away. He's probably closer to Korea there than Texas. HaHa! Don't know if that is true or not, but it feels that way at least.
He's doing really well. He got in Monday afternoon Korea time, so Sunday evening our time and ever since then he has been in-processing and doing all the fun stuff of moving to a new place...buying groceries, cleaning his room, getting all of his new squadron "gear". He is living in what is commonly referred to as the "punk" dorms. It is where all of the new wingman live. It is typically a bunch of lieutenants, but since he is a FAIP, he is also a wingman and preffered to live there as opposed to the "fossil" dorms. The dorm is about the size of his dorm room in college, except that he has a full size bed, his own bathroom, and a kitchenette. From what I have heard, the dorms can also feel a bit like college as well with late night partying and people in and out of your room all the time. Oh boy! I'm curious how Justin is going to like that. I think he will find it to be fun for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but I think after having your own home and family, it may get old after awhile. We'll see. I am just speaking from my point of view. =)
Other than that, he's just busy getting introduced to his new squadron, the Juvats. He should be in the full swing of his new job starting next week. He will be traveling to Alaska with the squadron in April for Red Flag. Too bad Alaska isn't closer. It stinks knowing he will be back in this country, but still so stinkin' far away. He's probably closer to Korea there than Texas. HaHa! Don't know if that is true or not, but it feels that way at least.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Five Stages of Deployment (or Remote Assignment in our case)
You are probably wondering, "Is she really comparing her experience with the stages of death?" Yes, in a way I am. A little bit morbid? Yes. A little extreme? Probably. I feel like there are lots of similarities in the process of how you finally come to accept this is what life dealt you. I have only had one person close to me in my life pass away, my grandmother, and I feel like I was a little young to really go through each of the stages of grieving, so this is the next closest thing that I know.
Denial- We went through this when the assignments came out in September. We told ourselves all along that we were pretty certain we would get our first or second choice. We wanted to go to Germany, and there didn't seem to be too many people in Justin's class that wanted to go there, and there definetly seemed to be a lot of people wanting to go to Korea. The air force is probably laughing in our faces on that one. The assignments came out, and there were none to Europe and 10 out of 14 to Korea. That's when our hearts sunk. But still, we were pretty certain we had a good chance of going elsewhere, if anything, we figured if we did have to go to Korea, it would be to Osan AB, where families could go and live in an apartment outside of base and still have access to the facilities on base. The guys hashed out the assignments the next day, and that's when it sunk in for us. Our fate literally came down to a roll of a dice, and my generally lucky husband did not have luck on his side that day. Kunsan AB. A year unaccompanied assignment. I was devastated and sobbed harder than I had in longer than I could remember. How was it that the last possible assignment I thought we would get had become our reality?
Anger- I guess denial and anger both kind of came in conjuction with each other. Once I heard Justin was going to Kunsan, I couldn't understand why a family with two small children had to be separated from each other. There were several other families in the class that in my opinion would have been better suited to go. Some of the pilots going to Osan decided even though their family could go, they wouldn't be taking them. Then why not let a family that would go with their husband/ daddy have Osan and they take Kunsan? It seemed obsurd to me. That was one of the hardest pills for me to swallow. But, we aren't a family to make waves, and it is what it is.
Acceptance (sort of)- Like I said, it's not exactly like grieving with a death. I don't feel like I ever did any bargaining, and I entered in to a state of acceptance after my initial pity party rather quickly. That being said, it's not really a full acceptance. Mentally we worked ourselves through it and even came to the conclusion that this might actually be one of the best things for our family. At some point in Justin's career he will have to do either a remote assignment or a 365-day deployment. That is pretty much a given, and for Justin, he feels like he needs to be around the most when his children are older so he can attend their activities and do daddy/kid things. He loves his kids tremendously, but when they are very small and need their mom a lot, he doesn't feel like he can be as involved with them. He and Raegan have just really started becoming very close in the past year or so now that he can start doing things with her like play baseball with her or take her fishing. And Addison is still quite young and with her solely nursing and not taking a bottle, there isn't a whole lot he feels like he can do with her right now. For me, the opportunity to pick up the girls and move back to Texas near our family was very appealing. Plus, at the age they are both at, I feel like I need some help from family members every now and then, even if it is just for some mommy alone time. If the girls were older and in school already, I would not have wanted to pull them out of school and move them across the country and therefore we would have been completely on our own.
This new assignment is also a very important one for Justin as far as his career goes. He just finished his training in the F-16 and is now going to be in an operational squadron where it is very important for him to show how good of a fighter pilot he is. Without the distractions of his family around, he can focus on his flying and really become a great pilot. He won't need to feel like he isn't giving his family 100% or his career 100%. We told ourselves all of these points, and logically it makes a lot of sense, so for the last few months I have found a sort of peace in knowing that there are a lot of good reasons for him to be getting Korea over with now. My head has accepted that for the next year I will be without Justin. Now, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.
Self-Pity (aka, where I am now)- This stage is in full swing now. Ever since we said goodbye to Justin at the airport, my heart has hurt and I'm having a hard time working through it. Most of the time I just feel numb. A big part of the problem is the girls. I have just been so busy with them that I haven't really had time to sit down and just have a really good cry. I mean everyone needs to have a good cry, right? That way you have your pity party, and then you can move on and go on about your life without it defining your life. The stage both of the girls are in right now are very difficult and really haven't allowed me to any time to myself. Hence, a big part of my self pity. Raegan is a difficult toddler. Her will is so strong and her defiance and need to assert her independence is growing every day. Truthfully, I feel very lost sometimes on how to lead her through this rough stage without just losing it myself. Take that, and the fact that Addison is very mommy-dependent and I already feel like I don't have enough time to give Raegan. Every time I have to get stern with her and put her in time out, I think "Why me?" Every time I have to drag her off the floor of a store during a temper tantrum with a baby on my hip, I think "Why me?" Every time she tells me she doesn't like me anymore because I wouldn't let her do something, I think "Why me?" And let me tell you, I never realized how much it would hear your kid doesn't like you, even though you know they don't mean it.
As I rocked my 8 month old baby this morning who is crying unconsolably and thrashing to get out of my arms, I think to myself, I'm at a loss for how to help her and what might be wrong with her to act so out of character, and all I want to do is cry. Yet, the tears don't come. As I am so sleep deprived because my baby who was sleeping 13 hours uninterrupted through the night at 10 weeks old and has now been waking every 2 to 3 hours every night since 5 months wakes me up for good at 6:45 in the morning, and no one is around to allow me a few more hours sleep, I want to cry. And still the tears do not come. All I can think is "I can't believe this is my life for the next year or more."
Acceptance (final)- I'm obviously not here yet. I sure hope I can work through my sorrow soon. I know that until I can give myself time to grieve it won't happen. I also need to stop living from one time of talking to Justin until the next or I will drive myself crazy and won't be the mom for my children that they need me to be. I haven't talked to him since Saturday evening when he was in Seattle and don't know when he will have internet and phone set up so that I can talk to him again. I have been waiting and waiting, and the waiting is so hard. Hopefully once I can hear from him again and we can start setting times up to Skype I won't feel so alone. Even if all he can do to help me half way across the world is listen to a recount of my day with the kids, I would feel like I am not alone parenting. I am obviously not the first military wife that has gone through a separation from their husband, so I do not have it worse than any others before me. There are people in this world that are much worse off than I am. There are people that do not have the love and support from their families that Justin and I have been so blessed with. God would not have put me in this situation if I could not handle it.
Denial- We went through this when the assignments came out in September. We told ourselves all along that we were pretty certain we would get our first or second choice. We wanted to go to Germany, and there didn't seem to be too many people in Justin's class that wanted to go there, and there definetly seemed to be a lot of people wanting to go to Korea. The air force is probably laughing in our faces on that one. The assignments came out, and there were none to Europe and 10 out of 14 to Korea. That's when our hearts sunk. But still, we were pretty certain we had a good chance of going elsewhere, if anything, we figured if we did have to go to Korea, it would be to Osan AB, where families could go and live in an apartment outside of base and still have access to the facilities on base. The guys hashed out the assignments the next day, and that's when it sunk in for us. Our fate literally came down to a roll of a dice, and my generally lucky husband did not have luck on his side that day. Kunsan AB. A year unaccompanied assignment. I was devastated and sobbed harder than I had in longer than I could remember. How was it that the last possible assignment I thought we would get had become our reality?
Anger- I guess denial and anger both kind of came in conjuction with each other. Once I heard Justin was going to Kunsan, I couldn't understand why a family with two small children had to be separated from each other. There were several other families in the class that in my opinion would have been better suited to go. Some of the pilots going to Osan decided even though their family could go, they wouldn't be taking them. Then why not let a family that would go with their husband/ daddy have Osan and they take Kunsan? It seemed obsurd to me. That was one of the hardest pills for me to swallow. But, we aren't a family to make waves, and it is what it is.
Acceptance (sort of)- Like I said, it's not exactly like grieving with a death. I don't feel like I ever did any bargaining, and I entered in to a state of acceptance after my initial pity party rather quickly. That being said, it's not really a full acceptance. Mentally we worked ourselves through it and even came to the conclusion that this might actually be one of the best things for our family. At some point in Justin's career he will have to do either a remote assignment or a 365-day deployment. That is pretty much a given, and for Justin, he feels like he needs to be around the most when his children are older so he can attend their activities and do daddy/kid things. He loves his kids tremendously, but when they are very small and need their mom a lot, he doesn't feel like he can be as involved with them. He and Raegan have just really started becoming very close in the past year or so now that he can start doing things with her like play baseball with her or take her fishing. And Addison is still quite young and with her solely nursing and not taking a bottle, there isn't a whole lot he feels like he can do with her right now. For me, the opportunity to pick up the girls and move back to Texas near our family was very appealing. Plus, at the age they are both at, I feel like I need some help from family members every now and then, even if it is just for some mommy alone time. If the girls were older and in school already, I would not have wanted to pull them out of school and move them across the country and therefore we would have been completely on our own.
This new assignment is also a very important one for Justin as far as his career goes. He just finished his training in the F-16 and is now going to be in an operational squadron where it is very important for him to show how good of a fighter pilot he is. Without the distractions of his family around, he can focus on his flying and really become a great pilot. He won't need to feel like he isn't giving his family 100% or his career 100%. We told ourselves all of these points, and logically it makes a lot of sense, so for the last few months I have found a sort of peace in knowing that there are a lot of good reasons for him to be getting Korea over with now. My head has accepted that for the next year I will be without Justin. Now, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.
Self-Pity (aka, where I am now)- This stage is in full swing now. Ever since we said goodbye to Justin at the airport, my heart has hurt and I'm having a hard time working through it. Most of the time I just feel numb. A big part of the problem is the girls. I have just been so busy with them that I haven't really had time to sit down and just have a really good cry. I mean everyone needs to have a good cry, right? That way you have your pity party, and then you can move on and go on about your life without it defining your life. The stage both of the girls are in right now are very difficult and really haven't allowed me to any time to myself. Hence, a big part of my self pity. Raegan is a difficult toddler. Her will is so strong and her defiance and need to assert her independence is growing every day. Truthfully, I feel very lost sometimes on how to lead her through this rough stage without just losing it myself. Take that, and the fact that Addison is very mommy-dependent and I already feel like I don't have enough time to give Raegan. Every time I have to get stern with her and put her in time out, I think "Why me?" Every time I have to drag her off the floor of a store during a temper tantrum with a baby on my hip, I think "Why me?" Every time she tells me she doesn't like me anymore because I wouldn't let her do something, I think "Why me?" And let me tell you, I never realized how much it would hear your kid doesn't like you, even though you know they don't mean it.
As I rocked my 8 month old baby this morning who is crying unconsolably and thrashing to get out of my arms, I think to myself, I'm at a loss for how to help her and what might be wrong with her to act so out of character, and all I want to do is cry. Yet, the tears don't come. As I am so sleep deprived because my baby who was sleeping 13 hours uninterrupted through the night at 10 weeks old and has now been waking every 2 to 3 hours every night since 5 months wakes me up for good at 6:45 in the morning, and no one is around to allow me a few more hours sleep, I want to cry. And still the tears do not come. All I can think is "I can't believe this is my life for the next year or more."
Acceptance (final)- I'm obviously not here yet. I sure hope I can work through my sorrow soon. I know that until I can give myself time to grieve it won't happen. I also need to stop living from one time of talking to Justin until the next or I will drive myself crazy and won't be the mom for my children that they need me to be. I haven't talked to him since Saturday evening when he was in Seattle and don't know when he will have internet and phone set up so that I can talk to him again. I have been waiting and waiting, and the waiting is so hard. Hopefully once I can hear from him again and we can start setting times up to Skype I won't feel so alone. Even if all he can do to help me half way across the world is listen to a recount of my day with the kids, I would feel like I am not alone parenting. I am obviously not the first military wife that has gone through a separation from their husband, so I do not have it worse than any others before me. There are people in this world that are much worse off than I am. There are people that do not have the love and support from their families that Justin and I have been so blessed with. God would not have put me in this situation if I could not handle it.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
And so it begins...
It's time. The packers came, all of our belongings are on a truck headed for Texas (eventually), and Justin is gone. =( The move went as smoothly as possible...with two small children. We had two really nice ladies pack our house in two days and then the moving crew packed it all up on Friday. It has been a really long and tiring past several days, actually the whole week. We stayed at a hotel on Friday night and then Saturday morning we headed to the airport. Thank goodness for the graciousness of my parents. My dad flew out on Thursday and was around to help us with everything while the house got packed up. Then he dropped Justin, myself and the girls off at the airport, and picked my mom up who flew in from Houston at about the same time. Then, together the drove the car, a U-haul trailer, and Sawyer back to Houston while the girls and I hopped on to a Continental flight to Houston. We said goodbye to Justin at the gate when we were boarding. It was a very emotional time for us. I already miss him so much. My grandmother sent us a small pillow that she embroidered that has a heart and the words " I Love You" on it. It is something her embroidery guild started making for deployed soldiers. The family kisses the pillow and then the soldier can carry it on him at all times and have their family close to their heart. We kissed it and gave it to him, which made me cry even more. Then I got on the plane and had a 3 hour flight with crazy, tired children. It was definetly not a fun flight, especially given I just had to say goodbye to my husband for essentially a year, but it sure beats driving back with both of them through desolate terrain for 3 days. Thanks Mom and Dad! We made it back and now we are camped out at my parents casa until our things arrive. Not sure when that will be, but I think we are looking at next weekend. Then we can start trying to get settled in to our new lives. The new house looks great and I can't wait to make it a home. It still makes me sad that something will be missing from it, but we are going to make the best of our situation.
I love you so much Justin. I will pray every day for God to watch over you and keep you safe for me. Your girls are doing well and miss you more than you will ever know.
I love you so much Justin. I will pray every day for God to watch over you and keep you safe for me. Your girls are doing well and miss you more than you will ever know.
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