You are probably wondering, "Is she really comparing her experience with the stages of death?" Yes, in a way I am. A little bit morbid? Yes. A little extreme? Probably. I feel like there are lots of similarities in the process of how you finally come to accept this is what life dealt you. I have only had one person close to me in my life pass away, my grandmother, and I feel like I was a little young to really go through each of the stages of grieving, so this is the next closest thing that I know.
Denial- We went through this when the assignments came out in September. We told ourselves all along that we were pretty certain we would get our first or second choice. We wanted to go to Germany, and there didn't seem to be too many people in Justin's class that wanted to go there, and there definetly seemed to be a lot of people wanting to go to Korea. The air force is probably laughing in our faces on that one. The assignments came out, and there were none to Europe and 10 out of 14 to Korea. That's when our hearts sunk. But still, we were pretty certain we had a good chance of going elsewhere, if anything, we figured if we did have to go to Korea, it would be to Osan AB, where families could go and live in an apartment outside of base and still have access to the facilities on base. The guys hashed out the assignments the next day, and that's when it sunk in for us. Our fate literally came down to a roll of a dice, and my generally lucky husband did not have luck on his side that day. Kunsan AB. A year unaccompanied assignment. I was devastated and sobbed harder than I had in longer than I could remember. How was it that the last possible assignment I thought we would get had become our reality?
Anger- I guess denial and anger both kind of came in conjuction with each other. Once I heard Justin was going to Kunsan, I couldn't understand why a family with two small children had to be separated from each other. There were several other families in the class that in my opinion would have been better suited to go. Some of the pilots going to Osan decided even though their family could go, they wouldn't be taking them. Then why not let a family that would go with their husband/ daddy have Osan and they take Kunsan? It seemed obsurd to me. That was one of the hardest pills for me to swallow. But, we aren't a family to make waves, and it is what it is.
Acceptance (sort of)- Like I said, it's not exactly like grieving with a death. I don't feel like I ever did any bargaining, and I entered in to a state of acceptance after my initial pity party rather quickly. That being said, it's not really a full acceptance. Mentally we worked ourselves through it and even came to the conclusion that this might actually be one of the best things for our family. At some point in Justin's career he will have to do either a remote assignment or a 365-day deployment. That is pretty much a given, and for Justin, he feels like he needs to be around the most when his children are older so he can attend their activities and do daddy/kid things. He loves his kids tremendously, but when they are very small and need their mom a lot, he doesn't feel like he can be as involved with them. He and Raegan have just really started becoming very close in the past year or so now that he can start doing things with her like play baseball with her or take her fishing. And Addison is still quite young and with her solely nursing and not taking a bottle, there isn't a whole lot he feels like he can do with her right now. For me, the opportunity to pick up the girls and move back to Texas near our family was very appealing. Plus, at the age they are both at, I feel like I need some help from family members every now and then, even if it is just for some mommy alone time. If the girls were older and in school already, I would not have wanted to pull them out of school and move them across the country and therefore we would have been completely on our own.
This new assignment is also a very important one for Justin as far as his career goes. He just finished his training in the F-16 and is now going to be in an operational squadron where it is very important for him to show how good of a fighter pilot he is. Without the distractions of his family around, he can focus on his flying and really become a great pilot. He won't need to feel like he isn't giving his family 100% or his career 100%. We told ourselves all of these points, and logically it makes a lot of sense, so for the last few months I have found a sort of peace in knowing that there are a lot of good reasons for him to be getting Korea over with now. My head has accepted that for the next year I will be without Justin. Now, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.
Self-Pity (aka, where I am now)- This stage is in full swing now. Ever since we said goodbye to Justin at the airport, my heart has hurt and I'm having a hard time working through it. Most of the time I just feel numb. A big part of the problem is the girls. I have just been so busy with them that I haven't really had time to sit down and just have a really good cry. I mean everyone needs to have a good cry, right? That way you have your pity party, and then you can move on and go on about your life without it defining your life. The stage both of the girls are in right now are very difficult and really haven't allowed me to any time to myself. Hence, a big part of my self pity. Raegan is a difficult toddler. Her will is so strong and her defiance and need to assert her independence is growing every day. Truthfully, I feel very lost sometimes on how to lead her through this rough stage without just losing it myself. Take that, and the fact that Addison is very mommy-dependent and I already feel like I don't have enough time to give Raegan. Every time I have to get stern with her and put her in time out, I think "Why me?" Every time I have to drag her off the floor of a store during a temper tantrum with a baby on my hip, I think "Why me?" Every time she tells me she doesn't like me anymore because I wouldn't let her do something, I think "Why me?" And let me tell you, I never realized how much it would hear your kid doesn't like you, even though you know they don't mean it.
As I rocked my 8 month old baby this morning who is crying unconsolably and thrashing to get out of my arms, I think to myself, I'm at a loss for how to help her and what might be wrong with her to act so out of character, and all I want to do is cry. Yet, the tears don't come. As I am so sleep deprived because my baby who was sleeping 13 hours uninterrupted through the night at 10 weeks old and has now been waking every 2 to 3 hours every night since 5 months wakes me up for good at 6:45 in the morning, and no one is around to allow me a few more hours sleep, I want to cry. And still the tears do not come. All I can think is "I can't believe this is my life for the next year or more."
Acceptance (final)- I'm obviously not here yet. I sure hope I can work through my sorrow soon. I know that until I can give myself time to grieve it won't happen. I also need to stop living from one time of talking to Justin until the next or I will drive myself crazy and won't be the mom for my children that they need me to be. I haven't talked to him since Saturday evening when he was in Seattle and don't know when he will have internet and phone set up so that I can talk to him again. I have been waiting and waiting, and the waiting is so hard. Hopefully once I can hear from him again and we can start setting times up to Skype I won't feel so alone. Even if all he can do to help me half way across the world is listen to a recount of my day with the kids, I would feel like I am not alone parenting. I am obviously not the first military wife that has gone through a separation from their husband, so I do not have it worse than any others before me. There are people in this world that are much worse off than I am. There are people that do not have the love and support from their families that Justin and I have been so blessed with. God would not have put me in this situation if I could not handle it.
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